


Fatally

by deadlyjoshler



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Cancer, Leukemia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-26
Updated: 2016-12-26
Packaged: 2018-09-12 11:02:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9068806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deadlyjoshler/pseuds/deadlyjoshler
Summary: Tyler Joseph has cancer, but that doesn't stop Josh Dun from loving him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Divided into two parts.
> 
> This is for my best friend who won't ever read it.
> 
> And yes, I still call you like that, no matter how much you hate me.

"Bright red lipstick." Josh stared at the wall.  
Tyler lay on his back. He threw a tennis ball up in the air and then caught it again. "What kind of red?" He asked.  
He didn't want to know. He just wanted Josh to talk.  
Tyler loved Josh's voice. It sounded deep but not quite at the same time. It was perfect.

"Oh," Josh said, "like my brother's shoes."  
Tyler chuckled. "As a lipstick?" "Yeah. It looked pretty bad."  
Now they both chuckled. Tyler stopped throwing the ball up in the air and turned onto his side. He glanced at Josh.

Yeah, that boy was beautiful.

Josh smiled and looked at his hands. "I mean, she's great. I like her, a lot, just... maybe not in a romantic way, you know?" Tyler nodded and sat up.  
No, he actually didn't know. But that was okay. He never had a girlfriend before.  
"So do you want to break up with her?" He asked. 

Josh didn't say anything. "Sorry," Tyler mumbled. "Shouldn't have asked that."

"No, it's okay." Josh smiled and looked at him. Suddenly, his facial expression changed. He looked a bit worried. "Hey, are you okay?" He asked. Tyler blinked a few times. "What do you mean?"  
"You... look very pale. Maybe you should drink or eat something," Josh told him.  
Tyler shook his head. "I'm not hungry." A small sigh left Josh's lips. "You're always saying that. You're not hungry. Don't lie to me!"  
It was the truth. Tyler wasn't hungry. And if he ate, he would always felt sick.

"Sorry," he just whispered. Josh sighed again and seemed to relax a bit. "No, it's okay. If you're not hungry- you don't have to eat." He smiled and turned to face the wall again. Tyler lowered his head.  
He didn't want Josh to worry about him. Everything was fine.

~

When dinner was ready at 7pm, Tyler was already asleep. He woke up two hours later, confused about what time it was, and walked downstairs. His parents were sitting in the living room. "Oh, hello Tyler," his mom said, glancing at him. She started to talk about something, but he couldn't lay any attention to her words.  
He couldn't hear anything, there was this buzzing sound in his ears. Everything was blurry. "Mom," he tried to say, but it felt like no words left his lips.  
"Mom?" His mother actually looked at him, her lips weren't moving anymore- "I'm not feeling too well."  
Suddenly, he just fell. Everything went black, Tyler thought it felt like he was falling asleep.  
His mom could catch him before he could hit the floor. 

Someone was stroking his hair. Tyler blinked a few times and saw his parents leaning over him. "Oh, thank God," his mom whispered and smiled. "Are you okay? What happened?"  
Tyler couldn't answer. He just squinted his eyes and turned his head to his left. His brother Zack was sitting on the other couch and stared at him. "You just fainted, Tyler," his mother reminded him. He nodded. "Oh, yeah, I'm okay."

He somehow managed to sit up and shortly closed his eyes. "Here, drink something," his father said, giving him a glass of water.  
Tyler just nodded and took a small sip, then another one- the water felt like fire that was burning his throat. He coughed a few times, then it was okay.

"You didn't eat much over the past few days. That's probably the reason- come on, there's still some food left," his mom said and nodded towards the kitchen.  
Tyler just shook his head. "I'm okay, mom, don't worry. I'm not hungry. It's probably just the weather... or stress... I don't know. Don't worry."

His parents eyed him suspiciously and worried. Then, his mother pulled him into a hug.  
Tyler breathed in her scent, it was comforting and calming.

"I just... maybe I should just go to sleep. I'll be fine," he whispered. His mom nodded.  
"Okay. Sorry. Maybe you're right."

~

Tyler couldn't really focus on the sheet of paper that was laying on the table right in front of him.

Although he had slept a lot, almost ten hours, he felt extremely tired, and he couldn't concentrate at all. Everything his teacher said- it just seemed to deflect off him. Plus, he had basketball practice today, but he wasn't sure if he should go. His back hurt, as well as his arms, and oh God, Tyler was just complaining.

"What did you get on the test?" A girl sitting next to him asked.  
Tyler rubbed his eyes and turned his head. It was Jenna Black, she was a nice girl, they talked sometimes. "Oh, uh..." He didn't know, he hadn't even checked. 

Tyler squinted his eyes and looked at his test. "I've got a... 'D'." Disappointment rushed through his body as soon as he realized how bad he did on that test.  
"Oh," Jenna mumbled, "I'm sorry."

At least she was nice enough to not tell him how she got an 'A'.

~

"Man, Tyler, you should really go home..." Josh furrowed his brows and eyed his best friend worriedly.  
Tyler sighed and leaned against his locker.

He felt weak, exhausted. What was wrong with him? Maybe he had a temperature or any other kind of disease, maybe he should go home.

"Yeah, maybe... but I need to talk to Brendon first. He has to tell the coach that I can't come today..."  
"I'll do that for you, okay? Don't worry." Josh smiled slightly and laid one hand on Tyler's shoulder. "Just get some rest, okay? You look like you're dying."

Tyler could just chuckle at that.

He somehow managed to get home, his mom seemed to be surprised at first, but then noticed how pale her son looked and guided him to the couch.

"Come on, Sweetie, lie down... did you get any rest this night? You look like you haven't slept at all for the last few days."  
She tried to lighten up the mood with a small smile, but Tyler just tried to calm his suddenly very quick breath and closed his eyes.

"I'm good, mom, just tired... I don't know."  
He wanted to say he had to sleep, but he knew this wasn't true.  
There was something else going on.

His mom sighed and nodded before placing her hand on Tyler's forehead. "Oh Tyler, honey, I think you've got a temperature," she murmured. Tyler closed his eyes. "Explains a lot..." he mumbled before falling asleep once again.

~

One week later and Tyler felt good again. The fever was gone, he didn't feel very tired all the time and he could actually concentrate on something again.

His mom stopped asking about his well-being all the time and he could hang out with Josh again.

"Did she wear that lipstick again?" Tyler asked, tugging at his bedsheets.  
Josh chuckled. "Yeah, plus she bought a new one. Pastel purple. Looks good- just not on her lips."

Tyler looked at him from under his eyelashes and grinned. "Did you tell her?"  
"No," Josh shook his head, "I would never do that. She should wear what she thinks looks best. I'm not in the position to tell her what she shouldn't wear."

Tyler nodded. He had always liked the way how Josh was thinking about things. "Does she at least accept the fact that you're not interested anymore?" he continued to ask.

Josh's smile faded. "I didn't tell her. But-" he rearranged his position and crossed his legs, "I don't care what she thinks about me. I like someone else."

Tyler almost choked as Josh said those words.  
"Oh..." he managed to say, "and who is it?"

Josh's smile grew. "Not gonna tell you," he said and bit his lip before glancing at Tyler to see his reaction.

Tyler's eyebrows were slightly raised and his lips parted. "Rude," he whispered.

It took them a few moments before they burst out into laughter.

Tyler still felt this little sting in his heart as he thought how he definitely wasn't the one who Josh liked. 

~

"Tyler Joseph- is that a hickey?" Tyler flinched at those words and turned around in surprise. "What are you talking about?"

He actually had no idea. The last time he had got a hickey- well... he had never gotten one, so. 

His mom walked towards him, eyes slightly squinted, and pulled down the collar of his shirt.  
"Or is this a bruise- did someone hurt you? I swear, if anyone dares to hurt my little-"  
"No one hurt me, mom, what the hell are you taking about?" He glare at her before walking away, right into the bathroom.

A hickey? Bruise? Tyler would've known about that.  
He turned around so his back was facing the mirror and pulled down the collar of his shirt just like his mom had done.

Indeed, a green-blueish bruise covered his neck.  
"What the..." Tyler pulled down his shirt even more, revealing more and more bruises. Eventually he just took of his shirt. Little bruises were covering his whole back.  
He gasped and furrowed his brows. What was that? Did he sleepwalk and accidentally got into a fight?

"Mom?"  
His mother was there within three seconds. "Yes?"

Tyler turned around so she could see his back. "What's that?" he asked. His mother took in a sharp breath and covered her hand with her mouth. "Oh God, Tyler, what have you done?"  
"I don't know, this is the first time I've seen them!" he said. And it was the truth.

There was a moment of silence until his mother spoke up again. "Maybe we should go see a doctor..." she mumbled more to herself than to Tyler. "Next week," she added before turning away and walking off.

~

The last thing that happened before Tyler had to drive to the doctor happened when he was with Josh again. They'd just come home from school when all of a sudden, Tyler felt dizzy again.  
But this time, his whole body was just weak. All his bones seemed to hurt.

"Tyler?" Josh asked in concern when his best friend stopped walking and supported himself with the wall.  
"Are you okay?"

Tyler didn't say anything. He felt something warm running down his nose and then his lips- he tasted metal. Was that blood?  
He traced one finger over his lips- yes, it was red, it was blood.

"Josh..." Tyler said in a shaking voice and lifted his head, trying his best not to collapse.

Josh looked at him. "Shit- Tyler..."  
He helped the brunet to get into the bathroom. While Josh tried to stop the bleeding with a tissue, Tyler's mom had noticed that something was wrong and rushed into the bathroom. "What's going on? Are you okay?"

She gasped when she saw the small pile of used tissues laying on the ground, all drained in blood, and her sons red face.  
"Mom, it's not stopping," Tyler sobbed. He had lifted his hands under his chin so the blood wouldn't drip on his pants. "Does... does it hurt?" his mom asked. Tyler hesitated before he nodded truthfully.

Kelly Joseph didn't waste a second and grabbed her son, dragging him with her. "Mom... where are we..." Tyler stuttered while trying not to fall. "Hospital. Now," she answered and looked at Josh. "You can come with us."

Josh stood there, still in shock and overwhelmed by the situation, then he nodded and quickly followed them.

~

Tyler sat in the bright, white room. Everything was clean, sterile, he was almost afraid to touch anything. 

His mom and Josh were sitting in two chairs right next to him. They all remained silent, the clock being the only thing creating noises.

Tyler sighed and swung his legs back and forth. He didn't really want to wait for the doctor, he hadn't had any weird symptoms for over a week now.  
But his mom and the doctor both wanted him to come back.  
Josh took a deep breath to say something when the door was opened and the doctor, a man who was almost bald and wore small glasses, entered the room. He lifted his head and look at Tyler, then at his mom and at Josh. "Good afternoon," he greeted the three of them.

He sat down in front of him behind the table and cleared his throat. Tyler flinched when his mom grabbed his hand and squeezed it slightly. She seemed to be very worried.

"I have good news and bad news." The doctor chuckled. Tyler squinted his eyes and glanced at Josh who seemed to be confused, too.

"The bad thing is- and I'm going to be honest with you- the symptoms your son has indicate that he has cancer."

Tyler felt his mom tense up and she tilted her head back. When he looked at her he noticed how her eyes were closed.

It seemed like those words didn't reach Tyler's brain, but they sure did reach his mom and Josh's.  
"Cancer?" Josh gasped in disbelief.  
The doctor's eyes were locked with his. He nodded.  
"Acute lymphocytic leukemia."  
Tyler felt his stomach twisting. His mother's grip around his hand was even harder now, and when she spoke he could hear how hard she was trying not to cry.

"What does that mean? Is he- is it..." She stopped and covered her mouth with her hand. The doctor handed her a sheet of paper.  
"That leads me to the good news. You can say that we discovered it pretty early. We need to start with the chemotherapy as soon as possible. Plus, there are certain therapies against the side effects."  
The doctor glanced at Tyler as if he wanted to know how the boy felt.

But he felt nothing.

"Tyler?" his mom sobbed, "Baby, are you okay?"  
Tyler slowly looked at her, then he nodded.  
All eyes were on him, everyone seemed to be surprised by Tyler's calm reaction.

"I'm going to explain acute lymphocytic leukemia to you. It basically means that Tyler's bone marrow cells cannot mature properly. But the immature cells, or leukemia cells, still continue to reproduce. And because of Tyler's blood circulation, those immature cells spread through his whole body."

It always almost fascinating to hear what was going on in Tyler's body. He couldn't quite imagine it, but it sounded interesting.  
Tyler glanced over to Josh. The boy was very pale; he just stared right at the ground in front of him. It almost seemed like he was the one who had just been diagnosed with cancer.  
Tyler saw how his eyes reddened and his lip trembled- was he about to cry?

"So, there are different types of treatments. Maybe you want to read through this, it's about the chemotherapy and the following radiation therapy-"

Tyler couldn't listen to the doctor anymore. His eyes were still laying on Josh, his own lips slightly parted, maybe waiting for the other boy to cry, maybe hoping he would say something.  
"Josh?"  
The green-haired lifted his head and looked over to his best friend.  
"Are you okay?"  
The doctor and Kelly Joseph both first looked at Tyler, then at Josh.

Josh's leg bounced up and down, he pressed his lips together and managed to nod.

Tyler stood up, hurried over to Josh, he grabbed his arms and pulled him up to his legs- it was at that moment when Josh couldn't stop himself from crying anymore, he broke down, tears started to run down his cheeks like hot raindrops, his knees got weak and uncontrollable sobs left his lips.  
But Tyler was there, Tyler Joseph, the boy who had just gotten the diagnosis 'Cancer' and didn't cry, the boy who just cared for his best friend.

"Hey," the brunet whispered and pressed his lips against Josh's hair. He pulled Josh even closer so Josh could burry his face in Tyler's neck.

"Hey, hey, calm down... it's okay."  
Josh breathed in Tyler's comforting scent and covered his face with his hands- he was embarrassed by his own emotions.  
"I'm sorry," he sobbed.  
"It's okay, don't be."  
Josh nodded slightly and then they both pulled away from the hug, not caring about Tyler's mom and the doctor both staring at them.  
Tyler hesitated before carefully wiping away a tear that left Josh's eye. "I'm not going to leave you, trust me," he whispered.

~

Tyler hated seeing his mom cry.  
They took Josh home, so now there was no one Tyler could talk to.

He was sitting on the couch in the living room, his parents standing in the hallway and whispering things, Tyler knew they were talking about him, Kelly Joseph was still sobbing, and Chris, Tyler's dad, tried to comfort her, but his voice sounded broken, too.  
No one wants their child to have cancer. No one.

Tyler wished they would just talk to him.

"Why is mommy crying?"  
Tyler lifted his head and looked to his right. His little brother, Jay, was standing there. Tyler shrugged and wanted to ignore him, but then he felt bad. It wasn't his brother's fault.

"Mommy is sad," he explained.  
"Why's she sad?"  
"Because..." Tyler didn't know how to explain it. Should he tell his brother...?  
"Look, sometimes, things just happen and you can't change them. And as soon as people lose control over their fate they get scared and then they cry. That's why mommy cries."

"That's not how fate works, you idiot," someone said and entered the room.  
A boy, two years younger than Tyler and looking very similar to him, sat down on the opposite couch. He smiled sadly.  
Tyler chuckled. "Oh, yeah, thanks for this information, Zack."  
Zack laughed. "Jay, maybe you wanna go upstairs? Maddy is in her room, maybe she wants to read a book with you." Jay hesitated before shrugging. "Alright," he said and walked away.

Tyler glanced at Zack.  
"So I guess you know it?" he asked. Zack nodded and looked at the ground. "I heard mom and dad talk about it."  
There was a short silence.  
"Is it very bad?"  
Tyler shook his head. "I don't think so."

"Then why's mom crying the whole time?" Zack didn't seem to be very convinced. Tyler sighed and leaned back. "I don't know. I know nothing."

Zack nodded slowly. "And how do you feel about it?" he asked.  
Again, Tyler shrugged. "Haven't cried yet."  
"Should you?"  
"Josh did."  
"Oh."  
Silence.  
"Yeah."

~

Tyler didn't have to go to school the next day. His mom made him sit down on the couch and stay there. Every time he needed something, she would jump up and go get it for him.  
It was weird.

"Do you wanna watch a movie?" she asked and forced a smile. Tyler shook his head and unlocked his phone. "No, I'm good, thanks."  
Josh had texted him.

"Oh, okay," his mom said and sat down next to him.

Josh: Hey, where are you? Did your mom made you stay at home?

Tyler: Yeah, she did. You can come over after school if you want to.

Josh: Okay.

Josh: Brendon asked why you didn't come to basketball practice. Apparently your couch doesn't want to let you play if you don't show up today.

Tyler: Well, I think I won't be playing anytime soon, right?

Josh: Shall I tell them?

Tyler hesitated. Technically, he didn't want them to know. They would just be worried- or make fun of him.

Tyler: No, I think this would just make it more awkward.

He locked his phone. He heard his mom sobbing.

"Sorry," she whispered and wanted to stand up, but Tyler quickly grabbed her wrist and pulled her back down. "It's okay," he said.

He was there for Josh yesterday, now it was time that he was there for his mom, too.  
He wrapped his arms around her waist and snuggled up to her. She chuckled and pulled him closer, then she placed a small kiss on his head.

"I love you, mom."  
"I love you too, Tyler. So much."

They stayed like that for a few minutes until Tyler's sitting position started to feel uncomfortable. He sat up again and looked at his mom. "Josh is coming over later, okay?"  
His mom nodded and smiled. "Sure."

~

"Lipstick color?"  
"Orange."

Tyler laughed. "What? No way."  
Josh grinned and looked at his hands. "The color was pretty, though."  
"Orange? You can't be serious," Tyler said and raised his brows. Josh shrugged.  
"It looked good on her. Pretty. Matched her hair. I like her hair."

A weird twisting feeling spread in Tyler's stomach. "Oh," he mumbled. Then it was silent again.

"I thought about asking her on a date," Josh admitted.  
Tyler's head shot up. "I thought you didn't like her. I thought you wanted to break up with her."  
Josh nodded. "Yeah. I know. It's just- I don't know. I thought it was a nice idea."  
"That doesn't make any sense."  
"I know, I'm sorry."

Again, silence.

"Do you think you can come to school tomorrow?" Josh asked. It was obvious how he tried to forget about the diagnosis and Tyler was thankful for that.

"I hope so. It's pretty boring being all alone."  
Josh chuckled and tugged at the bed sheets. "I didn't tell your coach, by the way. Just like you said."  
Tyler nodded. "Thank you."

He glanced at Josh. The sun made his green hair appear to be golden and his skin almost illuminated.

"I don't want to lose you, Tyler," Josh suddenly said.  
Tyler blinked a few times to realize what the other boy had just said. "Oh," he stuttered, "I'm not gonna leave you."

Josh nodded slightly, pursing his lips. Tyler hesitated before taking his hand and squeezing it slightly, just like his mom did when she wanted to calm him down.

"I promise, okay?"

Josh looked up and nodded slightly.  
"Okay."

~

"Is it going to hurt?"

"A bit."

The nurse took the infusion set and smiled at Tyler. "It'll help you. It's necessary. But don't worry- it won't hurt too long."

"Okay."  
"Don't be scared."  
"I'm not."

He looked at his mom who sat on a chair by the window. She tried to encourage her son with a smile. He tried to return it.

The thing about the chemotherapy that hurt the most was the thought of those chemicals rushing through Tyler's body and the lack of knowledge if it would kill him or save him.

He sat on the bed, the bucket between his crossed legs, pale face and red hands.  
"Mom?" he asked in a shaking voice.  
"Honey?" She stood up and walked over to him, then kneeled down in front of the bed and placed her hands on his knees. "Are you okay? Do you need anything?"

"Josh," was the last thing Tyler could say before he bent over the bucket and retched. His mom's eyes laid on him for a few more moments before she stood up and left the room.

Josh waited patiently in front of the room. His leg was bouncing up and down, he stared at the white wall.  
Some paintings drawn by patients were covering the empty walls of the hallway. Josh wasn't sure if they were supposed to lighten up the mood or remind the visitors of all the people who died in here.  
Some of those paintings weren't happy at all.

Josh didn't know why he thought so negative about things.

The door opened and Tyler's mom looked at Josh, a serious expression on her face. "He asked for you," she mumbled. Josh raised his eyebrows, not knowing what to do, but he stood up without saying anything and walked into Tyler's room.

The boy sat there, bent over the blue bucket and clinging to the bedsheets with one hand, his white knuckles being visible like the top of a mountain.  
"Tyler?" Josh whispered. The brunet couldn't answer.  
Josh glanced at Kelly Joseph who eyed her son worriedly. He walked over to the bed and sat down next to Tyler just to place a hand on his best friend's back; he wanted to help him so bad, but he knew he couldn't.

"It's okay," he mumbled, "It's okay."

Eventually, Tyler just coughed and then lifted his head. His cheeks were flushed, but the rest of his face was pale.  
He looked horrible, exhausted.

"Are you feeling better?" Josh asked. Tyler took a shaky breath and nodded. "I think so."  
His forehead was covered in sweat. Josh rubbed his back and smiled slightly. "I'm proud of you," he whispered.

Tyler hesitated before glancing at Josh and smiling weakly. He knew what Josh meant.  
"Thank you."

~

It was two weeks after the first chemo when Tyler knew he would have to shave his head.  
The razor made a humming noise and vibrated in his hands.

He didn't wanna do it. But it was just hair. It would grow back, after everything would be over.

Someone rang the door. Tyler knew it was Josh. He had told him that he would come over.

When Tyler started to shave his hair, it felt weird. Josh entered the room, his eyes widened and he didn't say anything at first.  
Tyler glanced at him through the mirror but didn't say anything, too.  
They both remained silent while Tyler shaved his head. Eventually, Josh took the razor to shave the back of his head Tyler couldn't reach.

The hair covered the ground like a carpet. And when Tyler looked back in the mirror, he felt his throat burning.  
He hated it. He hated it so much. Why did he do it? Why did he have to have cancer? Why him?

He felt ugly, vulnerable, full of death, but before the first tears could leave his eyes Josh had wrapped his arms around Tyler's waist from behind and pulled Tyler's back against his chest.

"You look great," he whispered and buried his face in Tyler's neck.

Two tears streamed down Tyler's face. Josh just wanted to be nice, he wasn't serious- he couldn't be, right?

"I hate it," Tyler mumbled and sobbed out loud. Josh turned him around and pulled him even closer. "Don't say that. It's not true, okay? You look beautiful."

Those words did something to Tyler. He wrapped his arms around Josh's torso and cried into his sweater.  
"Who could like me the way I look like? No one!"

"I could. I will always be here, Tyler."

Tyler hesitated and forced himself to nod. When Josh placed a small kiss on his head he felt his knees go weak. What was wrong with his body? Couldn't he act like a normal person?

But then, Tyler was too tired to hold back all those feelings and cover them up with bad thoughts.

It was tiring enough to fight the disease that was slowly killing him.

~

Josh lay right next to Tyler, both of them staring at the dirty white ceiling.

Tyler wore a beanie, he still didn't like how he looked like. His hair was gone for three days now.

He had covered the mirror in his room with a giant blanket, just so he didn't have to look at himself, a bald boy with yellowish pale skin and dark circles under his eyes, every day.

Sometimes, on days like these, he didn't go to school. He just didn't want to. It was hard enough to wake up and not to scream and cry because everything just seemed to be too much.

Fortunately, his mom didn't have a problem with that at all. Tyler was convinced that she was actually glad about it, so she could spend more time with her son.

He flinched when something touched his hand. When he looked down, he saw Josh's fingers slowly playing with his own. Tyler smiled.  
He liked how it felt.

The brunet hesitated before intertwining their fingers.  
Josh frowned and turned his head towards Tyler.

"Alright?" Tyler asked.  
"Alright," Josh answered.

They were very close, maybe too close, but that was okay, because Tyler needed someone to be close, although he usually preferred distance.

"Alright," Tyler repeated, "okay."

Josh smiled, a soft, gentle smile, not the encouraging one Tyler's mom always gave. Josh's pink lips looked perfect, and he was so close, Tyler wanted to do something, but he didn't know what.

Then, Josh sat up again and Tyler's thoughts were interrupted. They were still holding hands.

"Blue," Josh suddenly said.  
Tyler squinted his eyes. "What?"  
"Blue," Josh repeated and looked down at the other boy who then sat up, too.  
"Blue lipstick. Horrible color."

Now Tyler understood. He let out a small sigh.  
"Why are you talking about her?" he asked, his voice shaking a little.  
Josh shrugged and turned his head away. "I don't know. I'm sorry."

He didn't know why, but a smile crawled onto Tyler's lips. He leaned his head against Josh's shoulder and closed his eyes for a short moment.  
"A light blue?" he asked. It wasn't more than a whisper.

Josh hesitated. Then he nodded. "Yeah. A bit metallic, I guess, but not too much so it would look good, y'know? More this pale purple-blue, but not quite- I can't explain it."

They both giggled, and Tyler enjoyed how those noises left his mouth. They barely did anymore.

"I didn't ask her on a date," Josh suddenly said. Tyler stopped and frowned. "Why?" he mumbled. Josh shrugged.

"I like someone else."  
Tyler swallowed hard. "You already said that," he said, his voice cracking slightly.  
Josh nodded. "Yeah."

The colors around them seemed to change, Tyler didn't know how, maybe it was the atmosphere.  
He didn't want Josh to like someone else.

The green-haired boy glanced at him. "You look pretty, Tyler," he whispered.  
Tyler raised his eyebrows in confusion. "Oh, thank you- I... why are you saying that?" he stuttered, blushing slightly. Josh smiled. "Because I want you to know how beautiful you are."

Tyler hesitated. His lips were parted, he was unsure of what to say.  
"Why do you always say stuff like that?" he asked.  
Josh squinted his eyes and just stared at him. Then, without any hesitation, those pink lips were pressed against Tyler's chapped ones.

It took the brunet boy a few moments to realize what was happening. He kissed back, a warm feeling rushing through his veins and his heart beating madly.  
Josh's warm hand cupped his cheek to pull him even closer.  
Tyler didn't know what he was doing, he squeezed Josh's other hand, maybe scared that he would let go of him.

They both moved apart, breathing heavily, their foreheads pressed together.  
"What-" Tyler mumbled, "what was that?"

Josh chuckled. "That's what I do when I like people."

~

It was a Wednesday when Tyler went to school again. He wore his beanie and he didn't plan on taking it off.

"Are you sure you don't want everyone to know?" Josh asked and glanced at Tyler. The other boy shrugged. "Yeah."

The teacher seemed to be surprised to see Tyler. Then he smiled.  
"Oh, hello there."

Tyler lowered his head. He didn't want the teacher to make everyone look at him.  
"It's a warm summer day- how about you take that beanie off?"

Tyler closed his eyes. Then he shook his head. "Please, no."  
The teacher let out a dry chuckle.

"Why's that?"

Tyler took a shaky breath in.  
"I don't... want to."

Another chuckle. He leaned against the teacher's desk, arms crossed in front of his chest.  
"Don't you think it's impolite to wear that beanie?"

Tyler had never understood that. Why should it be impolite?  
He turned his hands to fists and his leg was bouncing up and down. Then, without saying anything else, he grabbed his beanie and pulled it off, his eyes fixed on the table in from of him.

"And I think it's impolite to make fun of someone with no hair."  
Tyler didn't know why he said that, but he had enough. He stood up, grabbed his backpack and left the room, leaving his flustered looking teacher and a confused class behind.

~

"He's an asshole."  
Josh squinted his eyes when the sun shone into his face.  
Tyler sighed and pulled some grass out.  
They were sitting in the garden of the Joseph's. It was a warm day, Josh wore a short-sleeves shirt, but Tyler wore a pullover. He was always freezing.

"I know," he mumbled. It was silent for a few moments, the birds singing in the distance.

"I broke up with her," Josh admitted. Tyler raised his eyebrows. "What? Why?"

He knew this question was unnecessary. Josh had kissed him- Josh had kissed him. Of course he'd break up with her.  
A smile crawled onto Tyler's lips, it hurt his face, he barely smiled anymore.

"Tyler, I don't want to be with her," Josh said.  
Tyler nodded. "I know." It was obvious.

Josh took his hand, intertwined their fingers. "I want to be with you. Okay?" Tyler nodded again.  
"Alright," he said.  
"Alright," Josh echoed.

Tyler wanted to kiss him, but he couldn't. Maybe he was too shy. But it felt good to have Josh. It felt good to know he was here.

~

The second chemo was different. It hurt, but in a different way, and Tyler felt tired and exhausted, he threw up three times and Josh sat next to him, tracing circles on his back, and his mom sat on the chair by the window.

It was a grey day, the sun hid behind clouds, but it didn't rain.

Tyler hated the taste in his mouth, and the rough feeling on his teeth. "Do you feel better?" Josh asked. Tyler glanced at him and nodded. But it wasn't true. He never felt better. He just felt different.

"Josh," Tyler's mom said, "could you maybe give Tyler and me two minutes? Alone?"

Josh looked at her, lips slightly parted, his pink lips, and he nodded. "Oh, yeah, sure. Alright?"

"Alright," Tyler said.

Josh stood up, the bed creaked, and he left the room. Tyler's mom took a shaky breath in. She grabbed the washcloth laying on the nightstand and walked over to Tyler before kneeling down in front of him.

"How do you feel?" she asked, quietly. The ticking of the clock suddenly seemed to be too loud, it hurt Tyler's ears.

"Good, I guess," Tyler mumbled and eyed his mom curiously.  
She waited and nodded, then she leaned forward and cleaned Tyler's face with the washcloth.

"I'm so sorry you have to go through this, baby," she whispered. Tyler nodded. He knew, and he believed her.

"Thank you."

His mom smiled weakly. "If I could, I would take all the pain for you, you know that, right?"  
"Right."  
"I love you so much, Tyler."

Tyler hesitated before putting the bucket on the ground and wrapping his arms around his mother's neck, hugging her tightly.  
She closed her eyes and hugged him back, squeezing his skinny body.

"I love you too, mom," Tyler mumbled into her neck. She nodded. "I know, baby."

~

Tyler was glad he didn't have to stay at the hospital. It was too sterile there, and everyone treated him like he was almost dead.

He was sitting on the couch, next to his siblings, and watched a movie. Maddy, his sister, had Jay on her lap and Zack had ensconced himself in the armchair, his legs hanging off of the armrest.

Their dad entered the living room, smiling at his children and then sitting down next to Tyler.  
"How are you?" he whispered, trying not to be too loud so the others could continue to watch the movie.

Tyler tugged at his jeans. "I'm good," he answered. His dad hesitated before wrapping an arm around Tyler's shoulders and pulling him close.  
Most boys didn't have a close relationship with their fathers, but at the moment Tyler was just glad he did. 

They just sat there, neither of them said anything. But it felt good. After a few minutes, Tyler's mom entered the room, too. She looked around quickly before turning the TV off, earning aghast comments from her children. Tyler smiled slightly.

"Oh, come on, you've watched long enough," his mom said and chuckled. She sat down next to Maddy. And so the whole Joseph family sat there, in the living room, and no one said anything.  
Eventually, Jay crawled over to his mom. He hesitated and glanced at Tyler.

"Mommy, is cancer dangerous?" he asked.  
Tyler raised his eyebrows. He knew this wasn't the topic his mom wanted to talk about.  
Kelly Joseph sighed. "It can be."

Jay sat down on her lap. "Can people die from cancer?" he continued to ask. His mom tensed up and glanced at Tyler, a weak smile laying in her lips.  
"Sometimes they die, yes."

"Is Tyler going to die?"

Silence. Tyler felt his stomach twisting, and he felt sick. He was scared of his mother's answer. She took a deep breath in.

"No, don't worry. He won't die. I'm not going to let that happen."

~

Maddy threw her arms up in victory. "I won!" she exclaimed and smiled. Tyler chuckled. "You did," he said and looked over to his mom who was watching her children.  
Tyler leaned against the pillow. He had to stay in the hospital because the doctor wanted to keep an eye on how the chemo operated. Apparently it helped, so they could start with the next part of the therapy soon.

There was a knock on the door. Tyler halted and watched his mom opening the door.

A green-haired boy stood there, a small smile was laying on his lips. "Hello."

"Josh!" Tyler grinned, stood up walked over to him. They hugged.

"I'm glad you came," Tyler whispered.  
"Always for you," Josh responded.

Tyler turned around and looked at his mom and his sister who were watching them.  
He didn't know what they would think if-

"Tyler?" He looked back at Josh.  
"Yeah?"

No answer. Josh just stared at him, a fascinated expression on his face, and a small spark in his eyes.  
Tyler leaned in, ignoring the fact that his mom and his sister were in the same room, and he cupped Josh's face before carefully kissing Josh's lips, just for a few seconds.

When he moved back he saw Josh's eyes closed, a content smile on his lips. "Sorry," Tyler whispered. He was unsure if it was okay to kiss Josh.

But as soon as he felt Josh's soft lips on his own again, he knew it was. A small sigh escaped bis throat when he closed his eyes. One of his hands was resting on Josh's neck, the other one tugged at his own shirt, he was obviously nervous.  
Their lips fitted perfectly together and it was a pleasure to kiss Josh. It felt amazing.

"Are they staring at us?" Josh whispered when they moved apart a bit. Tyler chuckled and turned around. Yes, his mom was staring at him, and at first Tyler thought she was mad, but then he noticed the smile on her face. He smiled back. And he felt relieved.

~

"Stereotactic radiation therapy. Sounds dangerous," Josh mumbled. Tyler chuckled. "It probably is. But... as long as it helps."  
Josh nodded. He let out a small sigh and took Tyler's hand, squeezing it slightly. "Good luck. Little fighter," he whispered and placed a small kiss on his forehead.  
Tyler smiled. "Thank you."

 

The doctor was convinced that Tyler had good chances of recovery.  
They sat in his office once again, Tyler staring at the wall. He felt weak, tired, exhausted, due to the radiation therapy. He had a fever and it tired him out, tearing at his powers.

"The chemotherapy seemed to help, so we could start with the stereotactic radiation therapy," the doctor explained. Tyler's mom looked relieved, she couldn't stop smiling.

"Tyler, you can consider yourself very lucky. Leukemia is not fun at all and it can be very dangerous, but I'm pretty sure you have good chances for a cure." He paused. "And I'm not saying that very often."

Tyler should probably feel good about it, but he somehow couldn't. Maybe he didn't believe the doctor- or he was just too exhausted. But at least his mom was happy, she had been too worried over the last months since all of this had started.

"So I'm cured?" Tyler asked. The doctor smiled and looked at his notepad.

"Almost, Tyler."

~  
to be continued...  
~


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part two.

It was the first day of fall when Tyler was officially declared cancer-free.  
"Tyler, you can be proud of yourself," the doctor said, "You fought very hard."  
"Thank you," Tyler said.

He knew the doctor was overdramatic.  
Tyler didn't fight at all.

"How are you feeling?"  
"Good, I guess. Healthy."  
That wasn't true either. Tyler didn't feel healthy.

"Great, great..." the doctor said, smiling and showing his slightly yellow teeth. Then he looked down on his notepad.  
He started to talk to Tyler's mom about some last treatments and Tyler stopped listening.  
He looked around the white room, it was so white it almost hurt his eyes.

Josh was holding his hand. He squeezed it gently. "Are you okay?" he whispered. Tyler nodded, his eyes fixed on their intertwined hands.

"And you?"  
"Me too."

Tyler's eyes shot up, now linked with Josh's.  
The green-haired boy wore a black hoodie and black pants today. Tyler thought it looked amazing, just as always. He couldn't help but stare at Josh, his messy hair was throwing shadows on his forehead and his eyes were squinted and his lips curled up into a soft smile.

But before Josh could say anything, Tyler leaned forward and kissed him. They both were amazed by how perfectly their lips fitted together. Tyler didn't let go of Josh's hand while they kissed.  
He couldn't.  
He needed any touch he could get.

When they both moved apart, Josh leaned their foreheads together.  
"Thank you," he whispered.  
Tyler closed his eyes and nodded.

"I love you," he mumbled, loud enough so Josh could hear it but too quiet for his mom to hear.  
He opened his eyes to see Josh's reaction and bit his lip.  
Josh raised his eyebrows and opened his mouth to say something, but no words left his lips.

"I mean it," Tyler quickly added before turning away and pretending to listen to the doctor.

~

Tyler didn't say anything for the whole time until they had brought Josh home.  
"Okay, what's wrong?" Tyler's mom asked the minute Josh had left the car.  
Tyler's hands were resting on his legs and he watched the landscape passing by while they drove down the street. His mom let out a sigh  
"Come on, I know when something's bothering you, and you haven't said anything for the last half an hour, although..." she smiled, "you have been declared cancer-free today!"  
She seemed to be way too happy about it.

Or maybe Tyler was not happy enough.

"Come on, your dad and your siblings will be so happy to hear that-" Kelly Joseph tried to get her son to talk for one last time.

Then, she let out a small sigh and her smile faded when they pulled in the driveway.  
Tyler didn't move at all, it seemed like he hadn't even noticed that they weren't driving anymore.

His mom turned around to him in her seat, her eyes were scanning his body.  
"Baby?" she mumbled and reached out her hand.  
"Hey."

Tyler glanced at her. His lips somehow felt too heavy to talk.  
"I told him that I love him," he admitted.  
His mom raised her eyebrows. "Oh," she said, "that's great."  
But of course she knew that it wasn't.  
"He looked so confused and- I thought he would say it back straight away," Tyler grimaced, "but he didn't."

"Oh, Tyler." His mom grabbed his hand. Tyler sighed.  
"It's okay. I'm not surprised," he said and left the car without saying anything else.

~

Tyler hadn't seen his family this happy for a long time. He was almost worried.  
His mom cried, again and again, but the good kind of tears, and his dad made a lot of jokes and laughed about them because he thought they were funny.  
Maddy seemed to be excited all the time, Zack didn't have that annoyed and frustrated expression on his face and Jay was giggling the whole time.

Tyler was fascinated by how one simple message could change the behavior of one family so drastically.

He never thought he meant so much to them.

They were having dinner, Tyler's mom had cooked his favorite food. For a few moments, everything seemed to be good.  
Even Tyler forgot about Josh and just enjoyed his life.

And then, the moment was over.

~

Tyler woke up and felt like he was on fire.

Every single bone, every single muscle and nerve seemed hurt.

His head was almost exploding. He must've screamed because the next thing that happened was that his parents stormed into the room.

"Tyler?" his mom asked, and then louder, "Tyler!"

Tyler closed eyes and threw his head back in pain. Sweat made his newly grown-hair stuck to his forehead. "Kelly, grab the keys!" his dad yelled and picked Tyler up, careful so he wouldn't hurt him even more.

Tyler passed out.

He woke up in the car, his vision blurry and his head resting in his mother's lap. "Oh thank God, you're awake... does it still hurt?" His mom was stroking his hair.

Tyler somehow managed to nod and closed his eyes. "Drive faster," his mom said to his dad. Tyler felt the engine humming, he tried to concentrate on something other than the pain rushing through his veins.

Somehow they managed to get to the hospital. The next thing Tyler could remember was staring at a white ceiling. First, he thought he was at home. Then, he noticed the quiet bleeping. "Hey, baby," his mom whispered. Tyler slowly turned his head. His parents sat on two chairs right next to his bed.

"Hey," he mumbled. 

His mom smiled. "How are you?" she asked. Tyler looked at the clock. Two pm.

"Good," he answered, "better."

His dad took a deep breath in, but before he could say anything the door opened and a familiar man, the doctor, entered the room.

His grey eyes were hectically darting back and forth between Tyler and his parents. His little finger was shaking.

"Hello, Tyler," he said and forced a smile. Tyler gave a small nod. "I hope you're feeling better."

He didn't wait for the brunet to answer. Instead, he looked at his parents. "Mr and Mrs Joseph, I need to talk to you for a moment. Outside, please."

Tyler raised his eyebrows and tried to sit up. "Oh, I can listen, too, right?" he said. The doctor let out a small sigh. "I need to talk to your parents, Tyler," he repeated. He looked down at his notepad and then at Tyler again, an uncomfortable smile on his lips.

The doctor held the door open and waited for Tyler's parents to leave the room before he swallowed hard and closed the door. Tyler tried to be as quiet as possible, he even held his breath, just to hear what they were talking about outside. 

When the door opened again, Tyler's mom was crying. She looked at her son and let out a small sob before taking two or three big steps towards him and pulling him close. "Oh, God..." she cried, again and again. Tyler was confused, he gently laid one hand on her back but didn't know what he was supposed to do.

"Mom?" he carefully asked. "I'm so sorry, Tyler... so sorry..." she mumbled and then she pulled back. Her grip around his shoulders hurt.

"What's wrong?" Tyler asked and his eyes darted from his dad to the doctor. "Tyler?" the doctor said. He sighed and looked down at his notepad.

"I'm sorry to say that, but... it seems like the cancer is back."

That was it. Tyler didn't know what to say. He just stared at everbody in the room and then slowly turned his head away. "Baby?" his mom whispered, "Tyler? Please say something."

Tyler could just shake his head.

So, that was it? Tyler Joseph, a sixteen year old boy, dying of cancer. Was that how it was going to end?

"God, I'm so sorry Tyler," his mom cried again, kneeling down in front of him and taking his hand. She buried her face in his jeans.  
Tyler had seen his mom cry a lot of times, but he had never, never seen her hopeless.

~

The doctor didn't think it was a good idea, but after Tyler begged for half an hour, he let the boy go to school for one last time.

It wasn't that Tyler was too weak and too sick right now, but we would be in a few weeks. The chemotherapy would exhaust him too much, and right now his immune system was weakened so even a small cold could be dangerous.

And then, at school, Tyler saw Josh again.  
For two months, since Tyler had been declared cancer-free, they hadn't seen each other, they hadn't talked, nothing.  
Tyler missed Josh, a lot. He missed his gentle touches, the small kisses, the cute words and the stupid jokes. He missed everything.

Josh stood by his locker, as usual. Tyler was about to walk up to him, just talk to him, that was it. Just... talk. Suddenly, the green-haired boy turned around and his dark eyes met Tyler's. For a moment, both of them didn't move, and then, something that Tyler did, maybe just a small change in his expression or a quick movement of his head or something else seemed to make Josh realize that something was wrong.

His face softened and his eyes darkened even more. Tyler felt the guilt rise in his stomach, so he quickly turned around. His feet were carrying him somewhere, through the hallway and towards the classroom probably.

"Tyler!"

That was Josh. But his words couldn't stop Tyler. Not now.

~

School was exhausting. And one day after that, Tyler had his next chemotherapy.

Josh wasn't there to hold him.  
Instead, his mom sat next to him and his dad had taken a seat on the chair next to the window.  
Tyler's siblings weren't allowed to enter the room, and Tyler was glad.

"How are you feeling?" Tyler's mom asked.  
The boy couldn't answer, he closed his eyes and tried to calm his breath, relax. "It's going to be okay," his mom whispered.

It's not. Stop lying.

But Tyler didn't tell her because who was he to force a mom to stop lying to her son and instead accept the fact that he was going to die?  
Tyler didn't know why he was being so pessimistic, maybe it was the cancer, maybe it was Josh who had left him and maybe it was just Tyler being Tyler.

Kelly Joseph probably didn't even try to lighten up Tyler's mood. No one should see their kid die in front of them, no one. Kelly squeezed Tyler's hand slightly and smiled, her lip trembling up, but she didn't cry.  
She didn't have to cry to show Tyler how affected she was by the disease.

There was a knock on the door. Everyone's head shot up, and when the door opened and a green-haired boy stood in the doorframe Tyler wasn't sure if he was supposed to laugh or cry.

"Oh, hello Josh," Kelly stuttered. Chris glanced at Tyler and immediately stood up, taking a few steps towards the other boy who's shoulders were hanging down and who looked like a drowned rat. Tyler laid his head back down on his pillow and let out a small breath, his eyes fixed on Josh. 

"Tyler, do you want him to leave?" Chris asked, sounding serious. Tyler shook his head. "It's fine," then he hesitated. "Mom, dad? Could you... maybe leave us alone for a moment?" Tyler asked, not looking at his parents but at Josh. Kelly blinked at Tyler, her lips pressed together.

"Are you su-" "Yes, mom, thank you. I'm sure." Kelly hesitated, then she nodded and turned to her husband. "Let's go, then," she said, obviously trying to delay her action. She stood up, glancing at Tyler before finally leaving the room.

Tyler sighed, staring at the ceiling. Josh cleared his throat, his eyes darted between Tyler and the ground and he covered his mouth with his hand and coughed. "Can I...?" he asked and gestured at the chair to Tyler's left.

"Sure," Tyler mumbled. He heard Josh's footsteps and the scratching of the chair on the ground. There was a moment of silence until Josh took Tyler's hand and spoke up again.

"I'm sorry," he said. Tyler hadn't expected him to say something different. "I know," he mumbled. His jaw hurt.

"That doesn't make it any less true," Josh said and quickly added, "Please don't act like I didn't screw up."  
Tyler closed his eyes shortly. "Oh, I'm not. You screwed up, indeed, badly. We both know that, my parents do, too."  
Josh tensed up, Tyler could see it out of the corner of his eyes.

"What made you stay quiet?"

Josh knew what Tyler was talking about. He gently grabbed Tyler's hand and squeezed, not as hard as Kelly Joseph did, and Josh's hand felt smooth and warm and Tyler knew he was sweating because he could feel it, too.

"Because I'm a stupid idiot," Josh mumbled and ran his free hand through his hair.

Tyler shook his head. "That's- not a reason," he said.  
Josh nodded. "You're right. Sorry."

He glanced at Tyler before lifting the brunet's hand to his lips and kissing his knuckles softly. Then he leaned his forehead against Tyler's hand.

"I guess I was just- scared."

Tyler looked at him. Josh kept his head low. "Scared?" Tyler asked in disbelief.  
Josh nodded. "Yeah."

"Of what?"  
"Of losing you."

Tyler squinted his eyes. He didn't quite understand that logic. "How are you supposed to lose me by telling me that you love me?" he wanted to know.

Josh looked at him, his eyes were watering. "That's not... no," he said, "Tyler, you could die."

Josh had never been good with words. And this time, it was even worse. Tyler stared at him and then sat up. "That's... wow."

This wasn't news to Tyler. He wasn't dump. But he never thought that this would affect Josh so much he couldn't even love Tyler anymore.

Tyler half-heartedly tried to pull his hand out of Josh's grip but failed. He felt his eyes burning.  
Why was he crying now?  
Because Josh didn't love him? Probably. It surprised Tyler that this affected him more than the fact that he was suffering from a deadly disease.

"Tyler, please, I'm so sorry." Josh seemed to realize what his words were doing to Tyler. "God, I didn't mean to say that-" "But you did," Tyler sobbed, "you did, Josh."

"Tyler, hear me out, okay?" Josh pleaded, "I know I suck at saying what's on my mind in a way that wouldn't hurt people. And I- I never intended to hurt you because you don't deserve this. You don't deserve me, I only make you feel bad." Josh kissed Tyler's fingers again, his eyes closing.  
"You're such a strong and brave person and you always think about other people first before taking care of yourself. Even in a time like this."

Tyler felt a shiver running down his spine. "Josh, please go," he pleaded. He didn't even know why, maybe because he wanted to make Josh stop.

Josh looked at him, eyes wide opened. "No," he whispered, squeezing Tyler's hand harder.  
Tyler felt the first tears, the warm and salty liquid that burned his cheeks, running down his face. "Go, Josh," Tyler said again, "Go, leave me alone."

Josh must've noticed that Tyler wasn't serious. He just stared into the other boys eyes before whispering a silent "No." and then leaning forward, his fingers grabbing the collar of Tyler's shirt and then pulling him close to connect their lips.

Tyler couldn't react at first although his eyes immediately shut. It took him a few moments before he could return the kiss. His hand went to Josh's cheek and a soft sigh escaped his mouth. He could feel Josh smiling against his lips.

"Tyler?" Josh mumbled when they both pulled away.  
"Hmm?" Tyler made, his eyes still closed.

"I won't leave you," Josh said, "because I love you."

Tyler felt his stomach twisting. He clutched at Josh's shoulder and pulled him even closer. "Don't say it if you don't mean it," he said.

Josh chuckled. "But I do. I love you, Tyler Joseph, with every inch of my damn body, and I want you to know that. God, I have loved you for such a long time by know, you know that?" Josh's hands trailed down to Tyler's waist and his thumb gently caressed the skin that was shown due to Tyler's shirt having slid up a bit.

Tears were now uncontrollably streaming down Tyler's face and he sobbed, then burying his face in Josh's shirt. "I love you... too," he cried and he didn't even try to be silent.

Josh hesitated before wrapping his arms around Tyler and somehow sitting down next to him. "I won't leave you," he repeated and pulled Tyler close, kissing his head. "Never."

Tyler nodded. "I'll keep that in mind," he whispered, making Josh chuckle.

"Of course you do."

~

It was one week after Josh had finally pulled himself together and confessed his feelings for Tyler.

Tyler didn't feel too good, and they were staying at the hospital again.  
Kelly had been waiting next to her son for 48 hours straight, so Josh had finally convinced her to go home and get some rest.  
She was still leery of him, but she didn't show it.

Josh laid next to Tyler, one arm wrapped around the brunet's skinny shoulders. Tyler was asleep. He needed the rest.

Josh stared at the ceiling. It was 2am. and he couldn't sleep.  
He felt Tyler's heartbeat agains his chest and a small smile crawled onto his lips. He looked down at the boy who seemed to be so relaxed, free of pain, finally. Josh traced his fingers up and down Tyler's arm.

"Josh?" Tyler suddenly mumbled.  
Josh head shot up a bit. "Yes, baby?" he whispered. Tyler opened his eyes which were red. He barely got enough sleep.

"Why are you still awake?"

Josh couldn't help but smile. "Can't sleep," Josh answered and pulled Tyler close again. The brunet huddled up to Josh, his hot breath hitting Josh's neck.  
"But it's fine, don't worry," Josh added.  
He wouldn't go to school tomorrow, so he could spend the day with Tyler and maybe get some sleep again.

"Where's mom?" Tyler wanted to know. Josh frowned. "She went home to get some rest, remember?" Josh reminded him.

"Oh." Tyler took a deep breath in and out.

Josh lifted his hand and placed it on Tyler's cheek. "I love you," he said and kissed Tyler's forehead.

"Love you too," Tyler answered half-asleep. Josh smiled a bit and pulled the blanket a bit higher so they both wouldn't get cold. "Try to sleep again, okay?" he told Tyler.

"Okay," the other boy agreed and shortly after, he was asleep again.

~

"I don't think this is a good idea."

"That's what you said last time, too."

"Yeah, and you know how exhausted you were after that day."

Tyler let out an annoyed sigh and threw his head back. He had never thought that he would actually beg to go to school.

The doctor stared at him from under his eyelashes and tapped his pen on the table repeatedly.  
"Why do you wanna go?" he asked. Tyler looked at him. "I-" he started but didn't know what to say.

Why did he want to go to school? He didn't really know. Maybe because it was some part of a routine, or something that made Tyler somewhat normal.

"I don't know," he said instead, shrugging. The doctor eyed him suspiciously.  
"I just wanna go," Tyler repeated.

The doctor sighed and looked at his notepad. "Tyler, I hate to say that but I think it's not possible for you to go-"  
"Why?" Tyler interrupted him, "I wouldn't take part in any activities like basketball, of course. It's just- one last time."

The doctor kept his eyes fixed on the notepad. "That's what you said last time, too," he repeated Tyler's words.

The boy right in front of him let out a small groan. "Please," he begged, "I won't die from it."

Now the doctor was looking at him again. Yeah, it was a bad idea. Tyler's health was declining rapidly, and today was an exception. Today he was doing good, but what about tomorrow? Or the day after?

"Maybe..." the doctor mumbled lost in thoughts. Tyler squinted his eyes. "I'm sorry?"

The doctor blinked at him. "What?" he said in confusion. Tyler shook his head and rolled his eyes.

"Josh will take care of me. And if I feel too bad I'll call my mom. Plus, I might have cancer, but I'm not a small kid anymore." There was something like a smile flying over Tyler's lips and then it was gone.

After a moment of silence the doctor sighed. "Fine," he said, and up to this day he still doesn't know why he agreed on it, "Fine. You can go."

That was it, that was all he said. Tyler raised his eyebrows and jumped up. "Seriously?" he shouted in disbelief before quickly leaving the room.

His parents were waiting outside, obviously surprised by the doctors decision, but at that point they would do anything but forbid their son's wishes.

~

It was cold. Josh ducked his head so his scarf was covering his mouth and nose and he buried his hands in his pockets. The school yard was empty, all the students were warming up in the hallways. No one would want to be outside.

When Josh entered the school building, a wave of heat and voices met him. He blinked a few times, then he pushed down the scarf and opened his jacket. The hallways were full, he barely got through the crowd, but finally, he reached his locker. Josh didn't expect anyone to talk to him, so he jumped and gasped when someone said, "Hey."

Josh turned around and his jaw dropped when he saw the person standing in front of him.

"Tyler? What are you doing at school?" he asked. A huge smile laid on Tyler's lips. "The doctor allowed me to go."

Tyler's head was covered with a grey beanie, his pale cheeks were flushed and he looked tired, but happy. Josh raised his brows. "That's- amazing, how did you do that?" he asked. Tyler shrugged. "I may suck at a lot of things, but I'm definitely good at convincing people," he said. Josh chuckled.

"Yeah, you are," he said before taking a step forward and kissed Tyler's cheek. The boy had a content smile. "Thank you," he said. Josh smiled. "How are you feeling today?" he asked.

Tyler frowned but didn't stop smiling. "Good," he said a bit too quickly. Of course, that made Josh suspicious. "Be honest," he immediately said.

Tyler nodded. Up and down and dead to the center. "I am."

And then the bell rang. Unfortunately, Tyler had maths now and Josh physics. "I have to go now, see you at lunch!" Tyler said before turning around and hurrying away, not even kissing Josh goodbye.

~

So many people had questions. Everyone wanted to know everything about Tyler's disease. He didn't really want to answer any of them, but he felt like he had to. "Is this your last day at school?" Someone asked. Tyler looked at that person. He had never seen them before. Why would they bother.

"Probably," he said and hesitated. "Hopefully not," he quickly added.

There were about seven people gathered around Tyler who sat at his small table, obviously uncomfortable. No one seemed to care, not even the teacher who was relieved that he didn't have to teach anything. He just stood there, arms crossed, and stared at the crowd around Tyler's table.

"Does it hurt?" someone else asked. Tyler sighed.  
"Yes."

Suddenly, Tyler felt dizzy. He stared at the table right in front of him, trying to clear his mind.

"I'm so sorry, for everything," another person said.  
"So you hair's all gone?"  
"Man, that sucks."

Just shut up. Tyler thought, but he couldn't say it. The people around, all the voices and the questions- it was too much, Tyler had to make them stop and get some distance.

"Are you okay?"  
"You look pale."

I always look pale, dumbass. Tyler didn't say it. He just stood up, already shaking, and his surroundings were rotating, he had to hold onto the table.  
He somehow managed to pick up his backpack, some people were moving aside so he could walk past them.

"Sorry," Tyler mumbled, "I just need to... sorry, I have to get out."

No one listened to him, but they all seemed to get it.

Tyler stumbled towards the door, opening it and leaving the room as quickly as possible. A few moments later the bell marked the end of the lesson and the start of lunch break. Josh had promised he would pick Tyler up, so the brunet leaned against the wall right next to his classroom and closed his eyes, waiting for his boyfriend.

A lot of people were walking past him, some were looking curiously, maybe concerned, some disgusted.

"Tyler?" A voice said. Tyler believed it was Josh. He breathed heavily, then dropped his backpack and opened his eyes. Yes, it was Josh, although his vision was blurry, Tyler recognized him. "Are you okay?" Josh sounded even more worried now.

Tyler nodded slightly. "I'm good," he whispered, afraid that Josh wouldn't hear it. The green-haired boy hesitated before taking a step towards Tyler and gently pushing him down until he sat on the ground.

"Calm down, okay? Everything is fine. I'm going to call your mom so she can pick you up and-"  
"No!" Tyler shouted. Josh flinched, surprised by how loud Tyler was talking now. "No, don't call her," Tyler repeated quieter. He grabbed Josh's hand and pulled it close. "Please don't. I'm good. Just a bit... tired."

Josh laughed in disbelief. "Tired? Tyler, you're not okay, we have to get you to the hospital, they can take care of you."

Tyler opened his eyes again, looking desperate and frustrated. "Josh, don't."  
Josh blinked and lowered his head. Then, he sighed. "Okay," he said, sounding defeated. "I won't."

He carefully caressed Tyler's hair and then kissed him softly. "Come on," he said as soon as Tyler's breath slowed down, "let's go into the cafeteria, okay?"  
And Tyler agreed.

~

It got worse that day. First, Frank Iero, a boy who's skin was covered in tattoos and who was always smoking behind the school, asked Tyler about his bruises and if he had done them himself or if he had gotten into a fight.  
He was joking, of course, but no one was laughing.

Then, one teacher wanted Tyler to solve an equation, but unfortunately Tyler didn't know how, because he had been missing for the last few weeks, and the teacher started screaming and Tyler almost cried until he just left the room. He waited for the lesson to end and then went over to his next class. Art, together with Josh.

Come on, you can do it, just pull through. Tyler told himself. His back was hurting and he had to carry his backpack with his hands.

"Hey, how are you?" Josh asked as soon as he saw Tyler. "I'm good," Tyler answered, not looking at Josh. This wasn't fully true.  
He was tired and exhausted and just wanted to go and sleep in his bed, but he couldn't. Not now.

"Oh, this wasn't a good idea," Josh mumbled and pulled Tyler close, pressing a soft kiss to his temple. Tyler closed his eyes and together they entered the classroom and took their seats.

"God, your head is burning," Josh said and placed a hand on Tyler's forehead. "This is not good, you've got a fever, a bad one, okay? We need to get you out of here."

Tyler shook his head, annoyed by how Josh treated him. "No, I'm not a kid, okay? I know if something's too much for me or not," he complained and turned his head away from Josh, trying to ignore the unbelievable pain rushing through his body.

"Baby, come on," Josh whispered, placing a hand on Tyler's skinny thigh, "You don't have to prove anything, we all know how strong you are."

Tyler huffed and glanced around, then he stood up.  
His back hurt so much, Tyler was fighting back tears.  
"Leave me alone, okay?" he somehow managed to say, his voice shaking. Josh's eyes were watering, he really was worried, and it would make Tyler's heart drop and he usually would give in, but not today.

Tyler's head was spinning, he tasted metal, maybe blood, and then he turned around.

Josh said something to him, but Tyler didn't understand what he said, he just took a step away, and another one.

He wanted to call Josh's name because he felt like he was falling, and then everything was black.

~

"Shit!" Josh shouted before jumping up and hurrying towards Tyler. The teacher was walking towards them, and everyone just stared.

"God, what happened?" the teacher asked as she kneeled down next to Josh.  
Josh placed a hand under Tyler's hand, checking if he was bleeding. Fortunately, he wasn't.

"An ambulance..." Josh mumbled. The teacher looked at him. "What?" she asked confused. Josh glared at her. "An ambulance, goddamnit! Do you want me to spell it out? Call a fucking ambulance!"

He had never talked to a teacher like that before.

She stared at him before standing up and talking to some students, telling them to go to the principals office. Then she turned back to Josh who had placed his other hand under Tyler's legs and lifted the boy up.

"He- has cancer, right?" she asked. Her eyes were opened wide. Josh frowned. He tried to ignore the weird undertone her voice had.

"Yeah," he said, "if that's the information you need to finally call the fu- the ambulance."

And then he walked past her, running out of the room as fast as he could.

~

Kelly Joseph was a very impatient person. Plus, she was emotional. Not a good combination.  
She had been sobbing for the past twenty minutes, ever since they had entered the hospital.

Josh sat on a chair right next to the door. He pulled the sleeves of his sweater over his hands and stared at the ground right in front of him, unable to blink or look away.

"Chris, what are we supposed to do... oh god..." Kelly cried. Chris just hugged his wife tightly.

"Why can't he just be a healthy kid?" she whispered. Josh's head shot up. He felt a little sting in his heart.

"Kelly, come on, it's no ones fault... He's still our son," Chris whispered.  
Kelly placed a finger on her temple and closed her eyes. "But I- I wanted him to grow old and be happy and have a long and successful life and not... end like that."

She didn't want to say 'die'. She would avoid that word as good as possible.

When Tyler's parents and Josh were finally allowed to enter Tyler's room, the other boy was asleep. He looked even worse, his skin was pale as usual but with a hint of yellow, and his skinny fingers were clutching at the blanket.

"He's not doing very good," the doctor said. Kelly covered her mouth with her hand. Josh didn't know how she was still able to cry. She always cried.

"His body is very week and school was probably too much for him." He sighed. "This was not a good idea at all. His temperature is rising and we had to give him medication, let's see if it works."  
"Is he asleep?" Chris asked. The doctor nodded. "He needs as much rest as possible. This afternoon we decide what we do next." And with those words, the doctor left the room.

~

Tyler was strong. After a few days he felt better again, and the doctor decided to try to continue the chemotherapy.

"The last times it actually worked pretty well," he explained, "and at the moment, your condition is stable enough."

"When it all started..." Kelly hesitated and glanced at her son, "you said something about stem cell transplantation..."

The doctor nodded. "Yeah, we have to make sure that he's in a better condition first..." He looked at Tyler and then nodded to his right, gesturing for Kelly Joseph to follow him.  
They whispered a few things and Kelly's expression darkened. Tyler looked at them and then at Josh. "I think he doesn't want to take the risk," he said.  
Josh shook his head. "What do you mean?"

"I mean... see, first I was declared cancer-free, then it came back, even worse, and my parents had to bring me to the emergency department. At the moment, I'm feeling better, yes, due to a ton of medication, and now they want to continue the chemotherapy, and what for? To keep me alive for another month, maybe two, three- I'm not going to make it, Josh. A transplantation won't change that."

Josh didn't notice he was crying until Tyler wiped away some of his tears.

"It's okay, my birthday is in a few days and when I make it until then- that would be awesome. Christmas would be even better, and New Year's Eve. Josh, I would do anything to spend more time with you, and do whatever couples do because I love you so much, but this won't happen. I would be honored to spend my last days with you. Oh god, Josh, stop crying, please-" Tyler cupped Josh's cheeks and kissed him, "It's not worth it."

He smiled. Josh couldn't help but smile, too, and he leaned his head against Tyler's hand.

He wanted to say something and tell Tyler that it would be okay and he wouldn't die, but he couldn't, because that would mean that he had to lie.

"I love you, Josh," Tyler repeated and leaned their foreheads together.  
"I love you, too," Josh said and kissed him.

~

Tyler sat between Josh's legs, his back pressed against Josh's chest, and bent over the grey bucket, his eyes closed.  
Josh had his head leaned against Tyler's back.  
Kelly Joseph was watching them. She was obviously uncomfortable with someone else holding her son in that situation but didn't say anything.

"I think I'm okay," Tyler mumbled and put down the bucket. Josh's head shot up and he nodded. "Okay. Do you want to go brush your teeth?"

Tyler hesitated. "One second."

Josh nodded again. "Sure." He stood up and gave a glass of water to Tyler.

"I can stay the night, Tyler," his mom said. Tyler looked at her and nodded. "Oh- okay."  
Then he glanced at Josh.

"I can go home, if you want..." he said. Tyler shook his head. "You can sleep in my bed. With me."  
At that point Kelly was blushing madly. Tyler couldn't tell if it was embarrassment or something else, like- not quite anger, but maybe disapproval. Josh noticed it, too.

"Oh, its fine with me," she uttered as she saw the both boys looking at her. Tyler sighed. "Mom, come on." He sounded impatient.

Kelly crossed her arms and glanced at Josh. "It's fine with me," she repeated, a lot calmer now.

Tyler knew that she liked Josh. Maybe she couldn't fully trust him, but it wasn't like he had cheated on Tyler or anything similar or worse. The one thing that probably bothered her the most was the fact that Josh got to spend more time with her fatally ill son then she could.

"Mom?" Tyler said, when Kelly was about to leave the room to talk to the doctor about a second bed. She turned around and smiled at him. "Yes, honey?"

"I love you."

Tyler could see how her expression softened. "I love you more," she responded and quickly left the room before Tyler could say anything else.

~

For the love of god, Tyler couldn't sleep. He was clinging onto Josh's shirt and buried his face in the shirt, breathing in the pleasant smell. "Baby?" Josh whispered. Tyler raised his head and smiled at his boyfriend. "Hey," Tyler whispered back.

He could hear his mom breathing evenly. She was asleep, thank god. Tyler bet she barely got any sleep.

"Why are you awake?"

Tyler thought for a moment.  
Because it hurts. Everything is aching, and I just want to die. I can't take it anymore, Josh.

"Just... thinking..."  
Josh smiled. "What are you thinking about?" he asked. Tyler shrugged. "Nothing in particular," he said and kissed Josh. The green-haired boy nodded. "Okay."

They just laid there for a few moments, pulling each other closer every now and then.

"How are you feeling?" Josh asked. Tyler thought for a moment. How was he supposed to answer that question?

"I'm okay."

Josh tried to sit up and so did Tyler, cringing at the pain in his back.  
"Josh," he yelped and the other boy was immediately alarmed. "Yes?"

"It- it hurts so much..." Tyler said. Josh helped him to sit up straight. "Where?" he asked.

"Everything."

Josh frowned. "Should I call a doctor?"  
Tyler shook his head, left, right, then dead to the center. "No," he gasped, shooting a glance at his mom. "It's fine. They would just pump me full with drugs." Josh hesitated but nodded. "If you say so."

Tyler couldn't sleep for a minute that night.

~

He was right.

The chemotherapy didn't make the cancer go away.

It was the first of December, Tyler's birthday, and the boy was almost nothing but a lifeless shell. The cancer was growing too fast.

His yellow-pale skin was dry, his lips were chapped and his skinny bones were shaking.

"Happy birthday, angel," his mom whispered and placed a present on his lap.  
A small smile crawled onto Tyler's lips. "Thanks," he said. He opened the present, wrapped in red wrapping paper, and gasped in surprise. "Oh, I love Stephen King!" he said as he held 'The Green Mile' in his hands. He looked at his mom and leaned forward to kiss her on the cheek.

"Thank you so much," he said, again.

Maddy stepped next to her mom and gave Tyler another present. "This from Zack, Jay and me," she informed him.  
Tyler nodded and quickly opened the present. It was a picture, a drawing, of the four siblings.  
"Did you do that?" Tyler asked in surprise. Maddy nodded, blushing. "Yeah... I thought you'd like it."

Tyler grinned. "Of course I do, thank you so much!"  
Maddy leaned forward and lifted the drawing up. "There's something else," she mumbled. Tyler looked down at his lap. There was a The Killers CD, 'Hot Fuss'.

"Oh my god, thank you!" Tyler said, again. Maddy smiled. "I know how much you like them."

Last but not least, Josh's present.  
Tyler opened the small, black box. A bracelet was revealed, a silver one, and the small pendant like a sign read 'But tonight, I'll need you to stay'.

Tyler smiled dreamily. "Do you like it?" Josh asked, and before Tyler could even think about an answer, he added, "I know, some people say boys can't wear bracelets, but..."

"Boys can wear whateverthefuck they want to wear," Tyler whispered, eyes welling up, and he didn't even know why.  
Josh smiled. "Don't curse," he whispered back before leaning in and connecting their lips to a passionate kiss.

~

"Don't touch me."

Tyler had his legs pressed to his chest, his arms wrapped around his knees, and stared out of the window.

The raindrops pattering against the window and the clock ticking with every second passing were the only sounds made. Josh stood a few feet away from Tyler's bed, his jaw clenching.  
"Tyler, this is not my fault," he murmured. Tyler's head shot around, tears were running down his pale cheeks.

"Of course not, Josh, but I don't need you to pity me."

That hurt Josh. He wasn't pitying Tyler.

"What do you want me to do? Do you want me to leave? Not talk to you anymore? All you do is  slang me, and I'm sick of it, okay?" Josh said, and he sounded much more rude then he intended to be.

Tyler frowned and lowered his gaze.

"Don't kiss me," he said in such a calm voice, it almost made Josh shiver.

"What?" he whispered.

"I will not kiss you," Tyler stated as if it was obvious and looked at Josh, and his eyes were cold.

"Don't say that." 

"I said it. And I mean it."

Josh shook his head. "No, you don't. You're frustrated, that's all- that's why you're like that."

Tyler chuckled. "Leave me alone," he said and looked back out of the window. "Go away, Josh. I don't need you." And before Josh could even say anything, something like 'No, that's not true. That's not what you mean.', Tyler's hand flipped to his wrist and he yanked the bracelet off, then flung it on the ground, "Go," he repeated, his voice having a bitter undertone.

And that was it.

~

It was five days before Christmas when Josh had to run down the light hallway of the hospital.  
It was 11pm when Kelly Joseph called him.

It was happening.

"Sir, can I help you?" a nurse asked politely, but Josh ignored her. He threw himself against the door while opening it, gasping for air when he entered the familiar room.

Kelly, Chris, Maddy, Zack, Jay. They all stood there, tears running down their faces, it was such a heartbreaking scene, Josh immediately felt bis throat burning.

"Oh god, Josh, you're here," Kelly cried. Josh stepped closer. He saw Tyler lying there.

His skin was now almost white, and his lips were blue and chapped. He was clutching at the bed sheets, his knuckles standing out white, and his forehead was covered in sweat.

When Josh looked at the heart monitor, he could see how low Tyler's pulse already was. Way too low.

"No," he whispered, "no no no..."

Josh was right next to Tyler with just a few steps.  
Kelly stood on the other side of the bed, right next to Chris, and Tyler's siblings had gathered around the end of the bed.

Josh kneeled down and carefully took Tyler's hand. He glanced at Kelly, not sure if Tyler still perceived anything when the boy's hand suddenly twitched.  
Josh immediately placed his other hand on Tyler's head and his thumb caressed his soft skin.

"Hey, baby," Tyler whispered, forcing a smile. His forehead was covered in sweat.

"Oh, hey..." Josh whispered back, and now he noticed the tears running down his cheeks.

"Hey, how are you? Okay, sorry, dumb question, oh god, I'm so sorry-"  
"Josh, shut up," Tyler chuckled and squinted his eyes. Josh chuckled, too, and then softly kissed Tyler's fingers.

"Hey, who thought that this would end like this? I mean, look at me, pathetic, am I right?" Tyler rambled. Josh shook his head. "No, don't say that, okay? I love you, I love you so much."

"Sorry. For everything," Tyler said without paying attention to Josh's words. "I was an asshole."  
Josh bend down and kissed Tyler's head.  
"It's okay," he mumbled against his head.

"Mom," Tyler gasped and looked at her. She immediately understood and put the respiratory mask over Tyler's mouth.

Tyler took a deep breath in and his eyes fluttered shut.

He mumbled something but Josh couldn't understand him, so Tyler nodded towards the nightstand. Josh followed his eyes. He meant the bracelet. It was still laying there.

Josh took it with shaking hands and glanced at Tyler.

"Can... put... on..." Was all Josh understood. He nodded and put the bracelet around Tyler's wrist.  
"I love you," he mumbled again.  
Tyler smiled. He slowly put the respiratory mask off again. "Can you kiss me?" he asked, and it almost sounded like he was too shy to ask.  
Josh smiled and nodded. "Anything for you."

And he leaned forward and connected their lips to a brief but passionate, last kiss.

~

Death isn't something beautiful or romantic. It can even be disgusting, and it's sad and grey and Josh would never run out of words to describe Tyler Joseph's last moments.

It took his body eighteen hours to lose the final battle against the cancer.

Josh and his family never left his side. They would never forget Tyler's with pain contorted face, and how he was shaking and crying and twitching because everything was aching and then, he passed out and it was awful because everyone knew Tyler was still alive but would never wake up again.  
His blue lips darkened, it was like he couldn't breathe anymore.

Josh could still hear Kelly Joseph's desperate screams, she wanted her son to come back, but he couldn't hear her.

It was December the 21st, 5pm, when Tyler was finally free of all pain.

The monotone beeping of the heart monitor made Josh's head hurt and his vision blurry, and when the realization hit him that Tyler would never come back, he would never see him again, talk to him, hold him, that was when he felt like he was going insane and he couldn't breathe.

He started to gently shake Tyler's body in hopes that the weak boy would wake up again, but he wouldn't, and it took Josh a long time to accept that, and then he jumped up and turned around and ran out of the room.

Josh could feel the sadness and the grief in his arms and in his chest and his throats down to his stomach.  
His hands and legs, however, were cold, and it felt like two unbelievably strong powers were trying to rip his body apart.

And one could just pray that god had at least a little bit of mercy left with the poor green-haired boy, screaming a single "Don't leave me alone!" to an empty sky.

The End.


End file.
